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Submitted on
January 8, 2013
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14 (who?)
           A Spanish lament
         blooms in high halls;               ... in incarcerated windows
      unflowering on the marble                 almost touching the vines
      then pouring and straining               in their stony spouse's eyes
   through jigsawed cobbled streets.             a length of breath away.

... and intermittently pulsing strings           The sadness of the World
    spray the orange from the lamps         sprouts in between the crevasses
          painting the cries                    ripe and full of taste -
       and mellowing the sorrow.                   a feast for crows          
                                                  and only one plate.
A small city in southern Italy. It's name means High Walls.

Questions for Critique:
1. Is the "high walls" metaphore clear enough?
2. Is there any line out of place?
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NeoPaladinOfLight Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
So I'm not big on the poetry thing, so when it comes to breaking up stanzas and having them do crazy things, I don't what to do. Didn't know what to do here, either. So I tried reading it one way, then I tried reading it another. Left to right. Top to bottom. Sideways. Backwards. Bottom to top.

Here's the funny thing, though. It didn't matter how I looked at it. It all came together. That stuff amazes me. And I got a different image from it every time.

I don't know if that's how it's supposed to be. But that's what happened with me, and I love it for that.
I was actually going for those vignettes that can be weaved anyway. Thank you kindly for liking it.
Nothing seems out of place, or out of rhyme... it's holds a beautiful cadence of words and feelings...
though I would prefer an Italian lament instead of Spanish since Altamura is Italian...
Since the name means High Walls, I think you have a little writing mistake on the 2nd line saying halls instead, if you don't mind my presumption since I'm no expert. And by the way I love the way you write.
Always grateful when someone takes time to express their opinion about my poetry. So, thank you. Anyway, I wanted to express a notion about a classical (spanish) guitar playing the lament, thus: "A spanish lament" which I furthermore complement with the "pulsing strings" line from the 3rd stanza. High Walls, and High Halls I use interchangeably.
I see, thank you for answering me back as well, it's always great to know why other authors chose this or that expression, why and how it complements their intentions. I speak for myself of course, cause now I look into it your poem with the a new eye and love it even better than the 1st time and also I know a bit more about those expressions too. :wow:
Thank you!! Stay well and safe and be inspired to write many more.
Phil314 Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The last stanza is the most powerful, as intended, I suppose.
The third stanza is the weakest here, but maybe I am missing a key metaphor or some other element that is layered underneath.
thank you kindly for taking the time to critique. your observations are noted!
The last stanza is great. If anything, the third stanza seems off, but I just might be looking for an excuse to find anything.
Zireael07 Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is brilliant!
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