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ENGLISH LANGUAGE by lombregrise

Poetry by 91816119

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Submitted on
January 16, 2013
Submitted with Writer


20 (who?)
When our worded train
was about to derail,
I saw 'una donna bella'
with hair as the olives
from the groves
where we trailed,
and stole kisses.

She was a more enticing read
than the one absent,
as the sweet red in her lips
was what the wine vapors
were searching for
just to make sense
once more.

Splitting from her locks,
like the grass we were picking,
were her bladed words;
splicing together
in seamless strands,
and cutting south
like flocks of birds.
In a train in southern Italy.
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leyghan Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hi, I incorporated the title of your wonderful poem in a poem of my own. It's for a found poem challenge using titles of other deviations. - [link]
Pr0metheusUnb0und Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013
I'm honored. I think you did a nice job, the flow is not perfect, though maybe that adds its sprinkle of mystery.
leyghan Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Struggled a bit with the second verse so I hear ya on the not so perfect flow. I'm reasonable happy with how it turned out though. Thanks again. :hug:
insomaniac55 Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013   Writer
Something about the second stanza reads off (I could be over-reading it though) but the others are great. I'm actually slightly jealous, I wrote a poem similar to this when I went to Spain (use of olive and everything) but mine was subpar.
Pr0metheusUnb0und Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013
Thank you for the kind words Jesus.
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student General Artist
Critique! Sorry I'm way behind on these. Thanks for participating in #Writers-Workshop, btw.

I'm actually trying to make these more conversational, more of a back-and-forth. I'm not sure how this experiment's going to work, but the goal for me is to get people talking and thinking about their own writing, instead of just having other people say what they think of it in a take-it-or-leave-it kind of way.

Okay, so for this workshop, we looked at some strategies for writing free-verse poetry (metaphor, alliteration, irony, etc) . What strategies did you choose when writing this poem? What were you trying to evoke with your choices?
Pr0metheusUnb0und Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Well, Lucy (if we are having a conversation it is adequate that I refer to you by name :)), I always try to created little standalone vignettes in free-verse, and strong visual metaphors, also I bother with alliteration when I think it will supply extra emotions for me. So I liked your workshops because it let me use all of the above.
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
Pr0metheusUnb0und Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013
thank you kindly.
Solarune Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013   Writer
Oh, this is so lovely – I really like the images, and in particular the last stanza and the lovely words/birds rhyme in it (and that last line, wow. :heart:) And the whole idea of the hair turning into grass/bladed words/strands/birds is a wonderful progression. Lovely lovely poetry!
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